I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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