You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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