Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
