I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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