Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Are my feet made of real feet?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
