i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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