if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
