I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize