I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
