I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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