I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
