He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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