I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
