I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
