I wish I could punch you in the face.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
