Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
