i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
