I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
