i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
