at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
