It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
