Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
