so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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