My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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