Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
