Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
