Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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