The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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