i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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