I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize