I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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