I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize