Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
