I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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