Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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