just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
