What did we do last night that was yellow?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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