arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
