cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
