Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
