Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
