when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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