There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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