At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
