I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
