My friends, they love my intelligence
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
