My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize