woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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