Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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