Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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