It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
