I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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