id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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