He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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