I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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