i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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