Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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