I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
