please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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