My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
