I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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