I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
