When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
