i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This is the high leading the old right now
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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