I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to calm my uterus...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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